No really, I am. And I don't mean in a funny way like in the Bad Moms movie, I mean in a terrible, what-the-hell am I doing kind of way. I am so out of my depths on more or less a daily basis, that I question if having a kid at all was a good idea. And thank goodness I have only one! At least she is the only one I will screw up.
Grumble, shout, snap!
Now why am I so hard on myself, you might ask? Well, I grumble a lot, a shout occasionally, I snap at her, I give her sideways glances, or turn my back at her completely. I get up and walk away, I close the door and ignore the screaming. I bribe or threaten, whatever works, and I give her the silent treatment. Sometimes I act like the five year old, and I expect her to understand things that she is not actually capable of understanding yet. I often let her watch to much you tube, just so I can an extra 30 minutes of peace and quiet, and I give her way too many sweets.
Why?! This is the most important person in my life! If I treated a colleague like this I would get fired! But it is always the closest ones that are in the line of fire, right? When I am tired, or hungry (hangry!), or stressed, or anxious, or feeling under the weather, or whatever, I just can't help being a bad mom. I try, I really do, but sometimes it is just quicker to get into a screaming match to get things done, rather than being a diplomat. Sometimes the quarrel just seems like the easiest option, and it probably is. Negotiating isn't easy, keeping a cool head, presenting the importance of tooth brushing in an easy to understand way, and trying to explain that yes, playing might be more fun, but mommy has to be at work in 40 minutes, so you need to get your shoes on, so that we can get out the door. I mean, how hard can it be?!
I just hope that the x number of times in a day where I hold her, kiss her and tell her I love her, will outweigh all my shortcomings, and that she'll grow up to be just normally screwed up like the rest of us.